I’ve always been afraid. I know that apparently, we all come into this world without fear, but I don’t remember ever NOT being alert to possible danger.
I remember traveling in France with two friends in my very early 20’s and they were busy talking and flirting with everyone. I, the only one who spoke French btw, was cautious. I knew that the guys they were flirting with, in the restaurant, were making plans to ambush us in our isolated camp site. I told my friends and we left. My fear and caution were useful.
I don’t know why I was always fearful. The only thing that I can attribute it to is my empathic nature – that I could feel when things weren’t right, that I felt other peoples’ anxiety even when it wasn’t my own. But when I was young, I didn’t realize this. I'm sharing my fear story with you, and how important it was for me to dig this story up. I'm hoping it'll help you too!
My Fear Story
I was born in England where my Jamaican parents immigrated. I must have felt their fear and anxiety about trying to fit in and belong, about trying to make a living to provide for their two girls. This was years before the Internet, Google and even before television. It was when the unknown was really the unknown.
I remember knowing as a very young child, that there was racism. Not just towards Black people (immigrants from the Caribbean) but also towards Indians and Asians. I remember knowing at a very young age, that I could be judged. I remember my parents telling me “You have to better than them (White people) because you’re Black.” I didn’t believe my parents, but I heard what they said and that message that I was in danger, lodged somewhere in my subconscious.
Looking back, I had lots of good reasons to be afraid, kids chasing me home from school calling me and my sister “Blackie” – the judgement that I intuited but didn’t understand when we moved to Canada and people asked me questions about my hair, what we ate, where we came from, what my Father did.
My strategy to escape being rejected or shamed was to blend in. This was all unconscious.
My life progressed, and I was always a pretty happy person until my late twenties. That’s when I found myself in the wrong job and the wrong relationship. That’s what happens when you blend in. You lose yourself (because you forget who you are) and you focus on others. This is really easy to do when you’re an empath, and even easier to do when all your programming is telling you have to blend in to be safe. Most women – of all colours - will be able to relate.
But the volcano that was my life erupted and I was pushed by both internal and external forces to do something different. I dared to decide believe that I had my own path and I dared to decide to find it.
My entire life upended and bit by bit became an honest expression of me. I became a mom, got married to someone who cherishes me, and started doing work that I loved.
You’d think that’s the end of the story, but it’s not, it’s just the beginning.
I discovered that I had a calling – which in itself was a minor miracle because I’d never thought I had any real passions. Because I was passionately inspired by my own soul’s calling to help people find and do theirs, I had to stop blending in. I had to start standing out. I had to stop hiding. I had to market my work so that people knew about it. I had to talk about me and what I did and how it could help.
I couldn’t do that.
I was gripped by what felt like a deep, primitive emotion, warning me, telling me to stay hidden, to stay safe.
It was worse than any fear I’ve ever had. It felt like huge whirling typhoon – filled with electricity and sticky molasses. This huge fear scrambled my brain and drained my energy. It felt like dread. I was sure this meant that I was on the wrong track.
I didn’t know that my unconscious programming – what I call my fear story – was driving my reactions and feelings.
Instead I reverted to telling myself that something was wrong with me because I felt this way. I told myself that I could never have a business, because I didn’t have the personality for it. I compared myself to others who just did it. I posted Nike’s slogan where I could see it. But it just made me feel worse, because I wasn’t just doing it.
But I was driven to do this work – helping others find and do their own life’s work.
So, I decided not to quit my fledgling coaching business and get a job, which I’d definitely considered, but to get past the fear.
I tried everything.
I coached myself, got coached. I connected to my ancestors, got readings from psychics, did energy shifting techniques. I did “parts” work or “subpersonality” work. I did Byron Katie’s “The Work” and all kinds of exercises from magazine worksheets and self-help books. I tried to focus more on the person I was helping than my own fears to shift my perspective.
It worked a little. I started creating small offers, writing my blog, sharing a little more of myself. But I still had a HUGE fear blockage. It didn’t seem like normal fear – which feels a little bit like when you are going to make a speech – being “scared-cited”, sweating or your heart beating faster. My fear felt like a HUGE pit of whirling energy – like those typhoon photos from space that they show you on the weather when a hurricane is expected.
My fear wouldn’t go away. I was trying to fix my fear without listening to why it was there.
And then Donald Trump announced that he was running for President. It was at that moment that I realized that I’d felt fear for a reason. I wasn’t crazy, abnormal or overly fearful.
Donald Trump helped me to articulate my fear story. I had a reason to be afraid! My fear was a natural and expected reaction to my circumstances. Some people didn’t like me, and never would! I would be rejected.
Hiding was a natural and expected reaction to my circumstances. What a relief!
I could finally exhale.
I can’t tell you how huge it has been for me to realize that my fear was there for a reason. That I could stop trying to get rid of it or deny its existence.
Outing my fear story allows me to exhale.
And because I understand it and accept it and am grateful for the ways that it has helped me for my whole life, now I can choose what to do without being ruled by my unconscious programming. Now that I know what’s happening I can decide to feel the fear and do it anyway – which I couldn’t do before.
And the strangest thing has happened. The fear has really diminished. I still feel fear and resistance, but it passes more quickly. I don’t try to pretend it doesn’t exist or get rid of it. I let it peacefully co-exist with me.
Who woulda thunk it?
I had always sensed that my safety and survival depended on me staying hidden. But to stay in business, get clients, make a living - I need to stand out – be seen – and that’s what I choose to do now.
Fear is here to lead you to exactly where your soul needs to go.
Building a business that is your soul’s calling is personal development on steroids. You WILL have to dig out your unconscious and outdated FEAR programming and dare to decide to do something differently.
Here’s what you can do if you find yourself blocked with fear when you’re creating a website, launching a program, offer, podcast, retreat or any other creation that comes from your soul:
I’d love to know what your comments are about this post and whether this blog was helpful to you. Come over to my private FB group, Soul’s Calling Revolution and share your thoughts!
I want to hear from you!